That Shit is Going to Look So Seasonal

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“I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I’m about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker thing, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over it’s gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is—fucking fall. There’s a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash.” McSweeney, c/o Colin Nissan

I first read this a month ago and just died. Then, despite the vulgarity, sent it to my Mother. I figured there was a 50% chance she would be offended (when i was growing up, our house never met a season she didn’t decorate for) and a 50% chance she would also think it was hilarballs. My phone lit up and it was confirmed- Karen could hardly breathe she was laughing so hard. After all, “it’s fall- either you’re ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you’re not.”

Click here the rest of this McSweeney’s post. I mean, it IS decorative gourd season…